Blacksad's Juanjo Guarnido. I mean, goddamn.

Dirty, dirty habits.

A couple of days ago, the esteemed Charlie Jane Anders looked at the dearth of new, sustaining pop culture heroes and villains. That, with the exception of Harry Potter, we haven't seen a new character with the perceived permanence of a James Bond or a Captain Kirk or Spider-Man — and she blamed it on a lack of a pulp media. Ah, but she was looking in the wrong place.

Top image: Francois Baranger via Kotaku

The pulps were, in their glory days, cheap ways to deliver genre entertainment. You could, for a dime, read a war story, a romance, a superhero yarn, a detective tale, a horror anthology, you name it. They contained multitudes. But they are, as Charlie Jane correctly surmised, dead. Comics don't count, neither do movies or TV. Young adult novels used to be the new pulp, but they've gotten too respectable.

But, in truth, the new pulp has been around for about 20 years, right under our noses: video games. They're not cheap to make, no. Nor are they particularly cheap to buy. But they fulfill the same role that the classic pulps did: easily digestible genre entertainment that you "used" then passed on to a friend or simply threw away. (In the case of games, you trade ‘em in.) You can play almost any type of game - intergalactic adventure, zombie survival, WWII combat, hard-boiled noir, sprawling fantasy - just like the pulps of yesteryear. This is the bold new world of storytelling, where you can spend hundreds of hours lost in a story that you play an active role in, with a tremendous potential and a built-in audience.

And with this New Pulp has come a New Hero. And his name is Player One. Us. We're the hero. Video games have taken the power fantasies of comics and pulp digests and made them manifest (or as close to manifest as we're going to get for a long while). There's a reason why games like Call of Duty and Halo and Mass Effect all make more money in their first week that most movies do in their entire theatrical run. Because we are the heroes we've been looking for...or, at least, the chance to be those heroes.

Yes, there have been games built around characters like Halo's Master Chief or Metal Gear Solid's Snake or Tomb Raider's Lara Croft, and they still have a name recognition. But we don't care about what happens to them...we care about what we can make them do.

That's what we want from our heroes: to be better versions of us. Stronger, smarter, impervious to the petty things that make life so hard. Video games let us get closer to being our own heroes than ever before.

Pulp is dead, long live pulp.

We are, most people would agree, in the midst of a Golden Age of Television. Since the late-1990s, the programming that's been pumped into our homes has been as good as it's ever been — and, in many respects, better than the movies that have long sat atop the Pop Cultural Quality Pile. But why aren't we also in a Golden Age of Genre TV?

Let's count the number of legitimately great sci-fi, fantasy, or horror TV shows of the past 10 years. Not simply good, mind you. I'm talking great. Battlestar Galactica, for sure. Lost probably qualifies if, for no other reason, than it actually managed to be a science fiction show and win an Outstanding Drama Series Emmy. Doctor Who hovers ever-so-close: Its best episodes are time-capsule terrific, but Who gets stranded on one too many space pirate ships to be a lock.

Given that they're both in their first seasons, it's too early to anoint the fantastic Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead. So what else is there? Fringe has its moments, to be sure, but not quite. Syfy's current crop of programming is fun, to be sure, and often pretty good, but no. (Hell, I'm a writer on Alphas and I know we're not there... yet.) True Blood seems to have gotten freaky for freaky's sake: It's too busy amusing itself to be concerned with things like "quality."

I'm talking great in the way that The Wire was great - the universally lauded Best Show Ever To Exist On Television - or The Sopranos or The Shield. Or the way that Breaking Bad or Mad Men or The Good Wife or Louie are killing it week-in, week-out.

Why are there no genre shows performing at the same level? Why are we not able to turn on the TV any day of the week and find something shiny to watch? Here are some theories:

GENRE IS THINKY. If you look at the average night of television, you'll see that most drama shows are about doctors, lawyers or cops. Because people - from the audience all the way up to network heads - understand how those shows work. Because a patient will always roll into the ER, some schmuck will always go to court, and someone will always get murdered in "the Big City."

But science fiction, particularly, is a genre of ideas - ideas that usually resist the reduction into the doctor-lawyer-cop mode. And all too often, when people don't understand a thing they either don't let it on the air - unless they monkey with it to such an extent that the ideas are gone and it's a husk of what it could've been - or they don't support it once it does get on the air. A show with no marketing or scheduling support is a show no one knows to watch, or when to watch it even if they wanted to.

GENRE IS EXPENSIVE. Because, if you can't have thinky but still want scifi, you end up with flashy. And flashy costs money. You can't be a sleeper hit if the network is constantly watching the ratings to see if their vast wad of cash is earning its nut back. When Heroes was good, it was good because the network didn't know what they had. That first season wasn't overly expensive, especially the first five or six episodes, which were all loaded glances, cheerleading, and floor-painting. When it started to get the ratings, NBC poured money into it. And with that money came attention. And, as the story goes, the network wouldn't let Tim Kring and Co. kill Sylar at the end of the first season the way they wanted to - and that was the beginning of the end.

GENRE FANS KIND OF SUCK. Wait. Let me clarify. You know that old saying, nobody picks on my kid brother but me? That's how genre fans are towards the product directed at them: They either love it to death, or they pick it to pieces. You don't see people who love police procedurals getting on Law & Order message boards talking about how much NCIS blows. But sci-fi fans are not above using the comments for an article talking about how one show got renewed to rail about how it sucks and why didn't they bring back that other show instead. If you looked at it from the outside - where most network honchos live their lives - the genre audience is a splintered one that can't be counted on to deliver numbers because they're too busy infighting. If we could ever put aside our differences and just rally behind the good sci-fi we get, instead of whining about the stuff we don't, then maybe the networks would give us the Thinky we're always asking for.

There are more channels than ever, more outlets for quality programming: Why can't I find 20 shows as good as The Twilight Zone or Nowhere Man or The Prisoner or Star Trek: Deep Space Nine or Angel or Space: Above and Beyond? Or, at least, 20 shows trying to be as good. I'd rather see noble failures than a lack of ambition. There are a legion of writers and producers waiting in the wings, ready to make shows like the ones that inspired them, lo, these many years ago.

Let's get our act together, people.

Follow Marc Bernardin on Twitter, and watch his episode of Alphas tonight at 10 PM on Syfy.

It's entirely possible that you haven't been paying attention to the internecine continuity of Universal's Fast and the Furious franchise — the most recent chapter of which, Fast Five, just grossed $83.6 million in its opening weekend. Given that it's a series about a pair of guys who steal cars and pose dramatically while denying their deep love for one another, that's easy to believe.

But over the past 10 years, Universal has taken their renegade wheelmen and turned them into superheroes. In the process, Fast and the Furious has already done what Marvel hopes to accomplish with next year's Avengers: unify a sprawling cast of characters and weave disparate story threads into one climactic, kick-ass whoop-de-do.

In case you're not up-to-speed on the F&F flicks, here's a quick primer:

The Fast and the Furious (2001): FBI Agent Brian O'Conner (Paul Walker) goes undercover in LA's street-racing scene to bust legendary driver-and-mechanic Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel). There's a spark between these two crazy kids from different worlds, but they know it'll never work.

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003): O'Conner goes to Miami and, trying to forget Dom's gravelly machismo, joins forces with smooth-talker Roman (Tyrese) and tech-genius Tej (Ludacris) to steal cars, take down a drug exporter, and attempt to womanize.

Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (2006): Has neither Brian nor Dom, so is pretty pointless — aside from the introduction of the super-rad and awesomely named Han Seoul-Oh (wait for it).

Fast and Furious (2009): Brings Dom and Brian back together to ride side by side, stare off into Mexican sunrises, and take down the south-of-the-border drug-runner who killed Dom's "girlfriend" (played by Michelle Rodriguez).

Fast Five (2011): The Boys are back once more, but now Brian has (allegedly) knocked up Dom's sister, and they need an ungodly sum of money to drop off the grid and live happily ever after. So they call a host of old buddies from earlier movies down to Brazil to help Ocean's 11 their way to $100 million, while eluding The Rock's federal manhunter in the process.

In each of these films, the characters can do things in cars that defy both logic and the laws of physics. And when outside of their garishly colored vehicles, they prove impossible to kill by conventional means: bullets never find their targets, explosions merely singe their clothes, jumps from preposterous heights simply piss them off.

In other words, there is no functional difference between these guys and most of the Marvel Universe. They are, for all intents and purposes, superheroes.

And so right under our noses, while an ever-increasing audience was watching, Universal beat Marvel at their own game: creating an elaborate cinematic-superheroic continuity, spanning a series of films, which would culminate in an all-hands-on-deck blow-out. What's more, they centered their billion-dollar franchise on a pair of gay characters who use an ever-increasing series of cons, heists, empty dalliances with hotties, and dumb-ass-action-scenes as a way to distract themselves from the love they so obviously share but can't admit.

And I challenge you to find another studio film with this diverse a cast that isn't in some way about race or, at the very least, hits you over the head with its diversity. The F&F flicks are full-to-bursting with blacks, Hispanics, all kinds of Asians, a Pacific Islander or two, and a crazy-quilt of ethnic blends and no one takes notice of it. In fact, there's really only one white dude in the whole damned saga who isn't a villain.

Fuck the X-Men, and their incredibly obvious outcast metaphor: Fast Five is the socially progressive, post-racial superhero event movie you didn't know you wanted.

That sound you hear is me giving Fast Five a steady, cinematic slow clap.

It's hard to believe that a movie with Uma Thurman, Sean Connery, and Ralph Fiennes could be this bad — but 1998's The Avengers crushed hopes at every turn. If you missed our tweetathon, here are the highlights.

@io9commentary okay, you beautiful sonsabitches, we ready to dig into the Uma-Ralph-Sean version of Avengers? Let's go.

@io9commentary this is, just maybe, the best cast to ever be in a shitty movie. Broadbent, Fiona Shaw, Izzard, Connery, Fiennes & Thurman.

@Tannerman Somewhere Patrick Macnee and Diana Rigg are laughing... and crying

@crosis101 and to think a year or so earlier Mimi Rogers was put in the black leather catsuit as an homage

@deth_lepus Steed and Peel have all the sexual tension of John Madden and Brett Favre...

@io9commentary yeah, no one notices the secret entry to the secret spy HQ in the middle of the road that goes under the Thames.

@io9commentary wow. I mean, I've seen lack of chemistry in leads, but it's as if the words in the script just out-and-out hate each other.

@crosis101 Awww Tea in the car... means they are more well bred than you Colonials.

@io9commentary IZZARD!

@io9commentary even the single entendres are just sitting there, waiting to be Rodgered.

@thecjharries Story so far: terrible weather puns, incredibly wooden dialogue, and fake accents. Plus tea.

@io9commentary so much beauty on the screen, all put to such little purpose. This is like a really sumptuous British rap video.

@io9commentary "One should never fear being wet." Damn, Sir August, you're like a walking, talking knickers-remover.

@cecilseaskull that's right, Sean. one should never fear being wet. Except around you, right now. (gross)

@io9commentary WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT PLANTS!? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT?

@io9commentary What the hell is Voldemort doing in the TARDIS?

@deth_lepus you can tell how good a movie is by the quality of Connery's hair piece...

@io9commentary I'm not entirely sure how you can make a boring film that features Uma Thurman in a slinky catsuit. It's a conundrum.

@io9commentary so this is a world where customized weather is a commodity, and we're trying to figure out who's mucking with the weather?

@cecilseaskull what is happening! help me! this movie has plushies, too?

@io9commentary I have nothing to say about the giant bears. nothing at all. anything would pale in comparison to the sight. of Bear Bond.

@io9commentary sorry...how did this scene make it past a studio head? SERIOUSLY, THERE'S A CONFERENCE ROOM FULL OF FURRIES. AND AN OSCAR WINNER IS ONE OF THEM.

@noralambert These costumes have to be the most baffling decision in cinema history.

@vandeand I needed to be more high to watch this snuff scene with technicolor bears.

@io9commentary they must've been shipping in the cocaine and LSD by the friggin' metric shit-ton.

@cecilseaskull I don't think I will ever understand these bears. Also, if you are going to go with bears, why so ugly?

@io9commentary One supposes that the anonymity one seeks by wearing a bear costume would vanish once one bought a goddamn bear costume.

@io9commentary Eddie Izzard, god bless him, has a giant head. And looks really odd out of a dress.

@noralambert Well, to the film's credit, they did let Eddie wear his eyeliner.

@io9commentary Steed's eternal masturbatory dilemma: Do I fancy the Peel in a pink dress or the Peel in a bear costume?

@io9commentary do we know, exactly, what Bear Connery's Big Evil Scheme is? Other than to make weather do shit?

@k_trendacosta Yes. Step 1: Make weather do shit. Step 2: ??? Step 3: Profit

@crosis101 Step 1: Fuck with Weather...Step 2: Sell Umbrellas...Step 3:????? Step 4: Profit!!

@io9commentary This movie has all the wit, panache, and costumes of high-class europorn, with none of the plot development.

@io9commentary are The Bride and Voldemort looking for proof? Because it's ABUNDANTLY clear who the bad guy is? They even call him by name.

@io9commentary It looks like Bear Connery has taken Mrs. Peel to his Psychadelic Rape Van.

@io9commentary so, THAT's Bear Connery's plan: Step 1: make Weather do shit. Step 2: Mince about. Step 3: Rape Mrs. Peel Step 4: Win?

@cecilseaskull in many of these movies, the villain has a poncy bedroom. boys, do not have a poncy bedroom. it equals really bad guy.

@noralambert There's so much tea drinking going on in this movie that it's borderline racist.

@io9commentary One would think that Connery would know to steer clear of movies with invisible men in them. Twice bitten and all that.

@io9commentary Kind of ingenious, really. Just have a voice from off-screen fill in all the plot holes that the test audiences spotted.

@hypnotoad1971 hmmm. my power went out and came right back on. i'm taking that as a sign to give up on watching The Avengers

@deth_lepus somehow I thought Uma on Uma action would be hotter...

@io9commentary Good thing Steed has that locator watch. Otherwise, he wouldn't know to look for the hot-air balloon in the sky that Mother told him about.

@thecjharries I think Steed is the best spy ever. He has yet to do ANY work whatsoever. He just makes women do things.

@io9commentary THERE SHOULD NOT BE ANY KISSING IN THIS MOVIE.

@vandeand That was possibly the least sexy kiss since Maid in Manhattan.

@cecilseaskull you are correct sir. I had to close my eyes like an 8 year old.

@io9commentary these walking hamster balls are the best Her Majesty's Secret Service could come up with? No wonder they lost an empire.

@thecjharries Izzard's only line in this movie was probably the best written and performed so far.

@noralambert And with "oh fuck" Eddie Izzard won a place in my heart forever. Best bit of the whole goddamn thing.

@noralambert Admittedly I was 14 at the time and saying "oh fuck" was the sort of thing that impressed me.

@deth_lepus nothing like great British Scifi... sadly this is nothing like it...

@crosis101 and the moral of the story? Girls in Leather are easy

@io9commentary what a twee little movie. a lot of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Plus, a waste of Uma and Connery.

@ io9commentary I could, however, watch Uma walk away for 89 minutes and be okay with that.

@deth_lepus I went an hour and a half without porn for this??

@Tannerman I need to watch vintage '65 eps of "The Avengers" to get that bad-remake film taste out of my mouth! http://theavengers.tv/

@deth_lepus don't blame me... I voted for Ghostbusters 2...

We're at it again, taking it to the internets and tweeting our way through a Netflix-albe genre flick of your choosing. So, choose wisely, and we'll see you tonight at 9:30 pm EST.

I've selected five likely subjects — all of which are available on Netflix Watch Instantly — and whichever gets the most votes will receive the honor of our merciless, merciless love.

So, vote below, and be sure to follow @io9commentary and the #io9moviemonday hashtag. We'll all see you tonight at 9:30pm EST!

Here's the trailer that die-hard Venturites saw at Comic-Con, and it's full of, well, the effing crazy: boy zombies, ass webs, Brock Samson masturbation marathons, and genital formal wear. Sweet Fancy Moses, the Sept. 12th premiere can't come soon enough.

Click to view

(Via Venture Bros. Blog)

Have you been waiting forever for Max Headroom on DVD? Your dreams come true this month. We've got a rundown of noteworthy August DVD releases, from the very good to the, well, watch at your own risk (hello, Heroes!).

Pick of the Month:
Max Headroom: The Complete Series
Almost 25 years ago, this ABC show saw a future dominated by round-the-clock television, cutthroat network jockeying, and an all-but-extinct spirit of investigative journalism kept alive by Edison Carter (Matt Frewer) and his computer avatar, Max Headroom. Back then, it was merely science fiction. And the network — go figure — canceled it after 14 episodes and it's been lost in the ether ever since. But now the show finally makes it's DVD debut. Rejoice! (8/10)

The Other-Pick-of-the-Month:
Crumb: Criterion Collection
What a friggin' month that Terry Zwigoff landmark 1994 documentary treatment of Robert Crumb, one of comics' most revered iconoclasts, isn't the best thing coming out. And it was this close. This warm, prickly look at the world that created and nurtures the warm, prickly cartoonist goes deep — unearthing damaged relatives, Crumb's loving wife, and, most of all, the work that sustains him — and gives you a sense of how so much mania can help a man float, rather than sink. (8/10)

Kick-Ass
It seemed like just yesterday, the world was in a tizzy over this comic book adaptation — or, to be more specific, in a tizzy over Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz) and Big Daddy (Nicolas Cage). And here we are, on DVD, where we can see if the initial "OMG this is awesome" impressions still hold up. (8/3)

After.Life
There was a time when an entire geek nation wanted to see Christina Ricci's boobs. And now, when those boobs are starring opposite Liam Neeson in a horror/drama, no one cared. But, hey, that's what DVD is for — if your internet is broken. (8/3)

Heroes: Season 4
Look at it this way, at least there's not gonna be a season 5. Right? (8/3)

In the Shadow of the Moon
If there's anything you want to get on Blu Ray, it's this documentary, which makes excellent use of NASA archival footage and new interviews to tell the story of the Apollo missions. Space porn! (8/10)

Dexter: The Complete Fourth Season
Now, this is how you do a fourth season. (Full disclosure: I've never seen a stitch of Dexter, but it's gotta be better than Heroes' fourth season. Gotta be.) (8/17)

Batman: The Brave and the Bold — Season One, Part One
Yes, it's kind of criminal that this isn't a complete first season set — but we'll take these 13 episodes and run. (8/17)

Lost: The Complete Sixth and Final Season or Lost: The Complete Collection
If for no other reason, you need to get one of these releases to see the 12-minute long "New Man in Charge" short, in which Hurley and Ben turn the Island into a nude water park. Or something. Which release you get depends on your bank account/need for completion. (8/24)

George Romero's Survival of the Dead
Apparently, they keep letting him make these movies. And some of them are good. But some of them aren't. So...caveat emptor. (8/24)

Dorian Gray
It's Colin Firth and Prince Caspian in a movie about vampires! But he's not a vampire, he's just undead. Thanks to a painting. And a Faustian bargain. But looking at the cover, you'd totally think there were vampires. And bloodsucking. (8/24)

The Vampire Diaries: The Complete First Season
There is actual bloodsucking here, though — if you can wade through the hipster-teen posturing and faux-important waffling to get there. Oh, we kid. This is a very deep show. Super deep. (8/31)

FlashForward: The Complete Series
Be honest: If you weren't sucked in enough by the show's central mystery — most everyone blacked out and saw a chunk of the future — to watch it when it aired, are you really gonna do it now? Yeah, we thought so. (8/31)

Marmaduke
For the days that you hate yourself just enough to watch the very worst... (8/31)

Oh, we had us a fine time tweeting our way through the Jim Carrey comic-and-cartoon inspired misfire, The Mask. In case you missed it, and Cameron Diaz's stunning movie debut, here's the cream of the crop.

@io9commentary okay, you beautiful sunsabitches...here we go.

@io9commentary holy crap...there are divers in the bottom of this aquarium-looking set! and they've opened the fake treasure chest!

@io9commentary So, Jim Carrey plays a loveable, repressed schlub. And Richard Jeni is his italian hipster buddy. And Jeni's toupee wins.

@io9commentary time out. Cameron Diaz. holy crap. Okay, her entrance it totally cliche-wet from the rain, slinky red dress-but she works it.

@io9commentary seriously, Cameron looks radiantly young. before she lost the 10 pounds hollywood makes you lose if you're an actress.

@io9commentary uh oh....Cameron's a bad girl. working for Zed and the Wire dude. Who are clearly bad guys. With ping-pong playing thugs.

@crosis101 CRAP, CAMERON'S A CYLON!

@io9commentary oh, 1994...when Italian cliches could still be your villains.

@io9commentary You know how, in Beverly Hills Cop, they just relied on Eddie Murphy to make shitty scenes funny? It's not working here.

@io9commentary this does kind of set itself up as a superhero movie. Big loser, finds power-thingie, discovers powers, tries to get laid...

@crosis101 The Mask betrays both @Darkhorsecomics and Tex Avery. Good job, movie.

@io9commentary "Hey, I know what I should do....put a moldy piece of driftwood I found in the river up against my face!"

@io9commentary As the Mask, Carrey looks like he's late for rehearsal with The Time. Morris Day's gonna be pissed.

@KickBoy You think people would feel dirty winning Ben Stein's money, knowing some of it came from this movie.

@io9commentary oh, my stars and garters, It's a hair-metal urban rape squad.

@io9commentary this sort of early 90s, comedian-on-the-loose stuff (also seen in Aladdin) aged about as well as Carrot Top's pituitary.

@io9commentary "Most men think monogamy is a kind of wood." Okay, that's not bad. Plus, she said "wood."

@io9commentary let's all remember one fact: This movie made $120 million in 1994 dollars. It was a cultural monster. We let that happen.

@io9commentary not to knock Cameron Diaz, because she's all that and a bag of chips here, but it's not hard to shine bright in this flick.

@io9commentary "Somebody stop me!" "Smmmmoooookiiiinn!" Those were the "double rainbow all the way!" of 1994.

@crosis101 to my shame I still say "perhaps you know my friends Franklin, Grant and Jackson?"

@io9commentary no one looks twice at a green dude in a yellow suit? I mean, really....

@io9commentary AGAIN, THIS IS A FUCKING GREEN SKULL IN A YELLOW HATE-CRIME OF A SUIT. AND PEOPLE ARE OKAY WITH THAT.

@io9commentary AND SHE KISSES THE SKULL! AND IT KNOCKS HER SHOES OFF. What the hell, man?

@io9commentary he's holding the gun sideways. Kill shot!

@crosis101 SIDEWAYS GUN!!!!!! THIS SHIZ JUST GOT SERIOUS!

@crosis101 You mean I can't discharge firearms in my own club? Spelling America with a K are we?

@crosis101 Jim Carrey...the first rule of the mask is you do not talk about the mask.

@io9commentary Apparently, Edge City only has one club, and it's called Coco Bongo, and Jeni has multicolored tickets to everything that happens there

@io9commentary Ben Stein lays the story pipe. The mask used to belong to Loki. Maybe. Because, why not? And suddenly, it doesn't work.

@crosis101 Night God? Loki's a Night God? Does no one read Thor comics in this city?

@io9commentary I want onion rings. Someone make that happen.

@io9commentary wanting onion rings is no less arbitrary and random than most of this movie.

@io9commentary "Kiss me, my dear, and I will reveal my croissant. I will spread your pate."

@crosis101 mmm yes back in the Nineties when forcing yourself on a woman was still funny.

@io9commentary it's....CUBAN PETE TIME!

@crosis101 Yeah, Cuban Pete! Brought to you by Desi Arnez and Lucile Ball The only only people in Hollywood that would Produce Star Trek

@io9commentary It would almost be worth having a band just to cover "Cuban Pete." Almost.

@io9commentary Deus Ex Yasbeck!

@io9commentary okay, that was a pretty nice reversal, Yasbeck being evil. Nice play, The Mask. You've been due for some smarts.

@crosis101 wow, backstab! That's right, Stanley, go for looks!

@KickBoy Never trust a ginger. Especially if she is a journalist.

@io9commentary so, this movie hinges upon the hero's dog getting him out of jail. yeah, um, okay....

@io9commentary I mean, sure, the dog's got giant balls, but shouldn't the HERO be the one who's all heroic?

@KickBoy that's why I don't have a pet. I don't need a dog stealing my thunder and saving the day when I mess it up.

@crosis101 Dangerous Explosives.... as opposed to the safe kind.

@crosis101 this is like Burton's Batman...except...you know crappy...

@io9commentary Milo the dog is smarter than every other character in this movie.

@io9commentary I kind of love how when he's wearing the mask, Dorian is played — in Snooki's words — by a "gorilla juicehead."

@io9commentary okay, I actually chuckled at Carrey beating the snot out of Dorian and going all screamy-ape. The Mask: 1, Marc: -105.

@io9commentary okay, well, that was that. It's very much a time-capsule movie. Of its time, and it doesn't translate. At all.

@io9commentary But it's worth watching for archival purposes, I guess. And to see Cameron Diaz just GLOW. But don't look for entertainment.

@crosis101 moral of the story? Girls on the rebound are easy.

Post Comic-Con insanity, we're back — taking it to the tweets to have a little fun with some genre "classics." Once again, you guys choose the Netflix-able movie and we'll bring the beer*. (No beer will be provided.)

Just like we did two weeks ago (when Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow got the nod) I've picked five likely subjects - all of which are available on Netflix Watch Instantly - and whichever gets the most votes will receive the honor of our merciless, merciless love.

So, vote below, and be sure to follow @io9commentary and the #io9moviemonday hashtag. We'll all see you tonight at 9:30pm EST!

A new CG trailer for Sony's DC Universe Online game features what might be the best superhero battle ever committed to the screen. Seriously, it's so good, it'll make you weep for what doesn't exist...yet.

That's as epic a battle between dudes with capes as I've ever seen. Wonder Woman, especially, comes off like the hero no one's willing to make a feature film about. Makes you wonder why videogame cinematics can achieve a level of pure drama and sheer cool that movies rarely approach. Like this Star Wars: The Old Republic trailer that's better than anything that came from the Star Wars film camp in the last 20 years:

The mad-human crush of the San Diego Comic Con looms, with almost 150,000 people attending over the Con's five days, starting tomorrow. Never fear, though. Here are 10 other hungry swarms that'll curdle your blood in advance.

PITCHFORK-HAPPY VILLAGERS
Frankenstein
The Monster didn't mean to kill that little girl by the lake. She was just softer than he thought she'd be. But that's enough to get the citizenry up in arms, torches at the ready. The Big Lug didn't stand a chance.

MARTIAN MUTANTS
John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars
I wouldn't have thought that crazy space death punks would look pretty much like Greenwich Village cool kids on a Friday night, but there you go.

THE URUK-HAI
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Peter Jackson and the gang from WETA managed to snatch from our collective nightmare-space precisely the creatures we wouldn't want to have knocking on our Helm's Deep door on a dark and stormy night.

ZOMBIES
Dawn of the Dead
Fast movers, shamblers, breakdancers — doesn't really matter, does it? It's still an implacable army of the dead coming to eat your brains.

THE MACHINES' SQUID SWARM
The Matrix Revolutions
Zion's last stand on the docks was really the only good bit of the third Matrix film: As a heavily armed platoon of exo-skeletal walkers stood waiting, a swarm of clattering metallic death squid took flooded into to the last human city.

CANNIBALS!
Doomsday
Cannibals, dancing to Fine Young Cannibals, just before eating a dude: That's not just bloodthirsty, that a blood thirst quenched.

HUMONGOUS' ROAD CREW
The Road Warrior
I'm sure no one involved knew that giving Max's antagonist a nickname like The Count of Monte Fisto would be funny for all kinds of reasons, but the Lord Humongous' gas-hungry posse had a knack for swarming all over anything that hit the road.

AN ENTIRE CRAZY MARTIAL-ARTS VILLAGE
Gymkata
I wonder if the town elders of this crazy-ass middle European hamlet thought to themselves, "Yes, let's build a cement pommel horse right in the middle of the town square. What are the odds we'll all be trying to kill an ex-Olympic gymnast any time soon?"

ANTS
The Naked Jungle
You'll need more than an acres-wide carpet of flesh-eating ants to stop Charlton Heston. Stupid ants.

FLYING MONKEYS
The Wizard of Oz
They were after the little dog, too.

There's a lot of stuff to see at Comic Con, but one of the best parts is the SDCC Independent Film Festival. It delivers a heady, steady stream of unbridled cinematic creativity.

See, every year, the organizers of Comic Con International also host the Independent Film Festival — which welcomes entries from all over the world, from filmmakers spanning the spectrum from amateur to auteur. Throughout the Con, in ballrooms not marked particularly well, the public is welcome to come watch the films. On Sunday, there's even an awards ceremony highlighting the best of the bunch.

The only thing all these indies have in common is that they deal in the geeky — whether they're animated or documentaries, and whether they feature videogamers, superheroes, pistoleros or hysterically amorous aliens.

Many of these films are bad. I know, because I was a judge for the CCI: IFF last year, and had to watch all of them. So I know precisely how bad many of them are. Some have shoddy effects, others are burdened with shallow performances, while others still were doomed from the get-go by lame concepts and even worse scripts. But here's the thing: no two were bad in the exact same way. How does that old Gene Roddenbery maxim go: infinite diversity in infinite combinations? Exactly.

Among that tidal wave of bad, however, you will find some amazing films. Perfect nuggets of narrative that might not have seen the light of day in any other forum. Films like last year's horror-suspense winner, Alice Jacobs Is Dead:

And the science-fiction award winner, Hirsute:

And the grand-prize winner, The Hidden Life of the Burrowing Owl:

I'm not saying that this year's crop is overflowing with awesome — I couldn't say, as I'm not returning as a judge — but what I know for sure is that a lot of people spent a lot of time, energy, and money making these films. Some of them were worth it, others most definitely not. But at a convention that can seem like a steady parade of actors saying the same things, over and over again, about their awesome movie/TV show/vanity comic project; or the relentless crush of fans scrambling for this free thing, or that autograph, or that shiny booth manned by bikini'd clockpunchers; or the well-meaning comics creators wondering why SDCC still has the "CC" in the title...

At this convention, it's nice to be able to encounter the truly unexpected.

Bounce over here for more info about the SDCC Independent Film Festival.

Oh, we had us a fine time tweet-lambasting our way through the groundbreakingly rendered missed opportunity, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. In case you missed it, here's the cream of the crop.

@io9commentary okay, y'all. Paramount logo is on the screen, jug of OJ and tissues handy. Let's go into The World of Tomorrow!

@io9commentary given how this movie looked - and that worse directors continue to work - I'm surprised this is Kerry Conran's sole credit.

@io9commentary here's the problem with this movie, as I see it: is the directorial style an homage, or a cover for lack of skill?

@io9commentary like, it's slow and stately and obvious, just like those old serials. But those filmmakers hadn't seen Scorsese.

@andertoons Pepper Potts? Polly Perkins? Perky Paltrow?

@fallapart Gwyneth seems to be channeling every newswoman at a paper ever on film...

@io9commentary "A clue? Just lying on the floor? Thank goodness!

@io9commentary "The giant robots have broken through the perimeter. Given that we're shooting .38 Specials at 'em, it kinda figures."

@io9commentary yeah, don't run from the stomping robots with a sense of urgency, Polly. That'd be silly.

@io9commentary so, they trust the defense of the skies to one dude in a p51 mustang? I mean, it's a nice plane and all, but really?

@fallapart I wonder if it's the ominous skulls on the robots chests that give away that they're up to no good... like goth kids.

@io9commentary Polly Perkins would eventually hang up her trusty camera and ripped skirt to found a popular breakfast eatery.

@fallapart I wonder if Giovanni's pew-pew gun is powered with unobtanium.

@io9commentary if only they spent as much time on the script as they did on Gwyneth's lustrous hair. the dialogue is so wooden.

@io9commentary "Man, I could really use a shot and a tug right now. Fightin' robots is hard!"

@io9commentary wait, how did everyone — including a giant dead robot and a hobbly reporter — beat Sky Captain back to his office?

@io9commentary you know what this movie needs? Robot ninjas.

@fallapart They're under attack by planes with flapping wings, but he's going to take time to make sure his helmet's on properly?

@io9commentary oh, I get it. Sky Captain's plane is made of Unexplodium. That's why it can collide with water at 300 mph and not blow.

@andertoons If Japanese comics have taught me anything, tentacles = bad.

@io9commentary there is no situation not made worse by Polly Perkins' presence. and no film make better by Bai Ling's. Eesh.

@io9commentary another clue! lying on the ground! good thing Polly Perkins is around, to find all your floor-based information.

@io9commentary now, Raiders of the Lost Ark's plot is about as thin as this one, but it moves so fast, you don't notice. Bad Kerry Conran!

@io9commentary because everyone knows a dirty little old man at the top of the world who likes vienna sausages.

@io9commentary oh, hey....we're dropping Shambala science. Maybe we'll run into the Shadow. Or Stephen Strange. Or Bruce Wayne. Or logic

@andertoons I call it Sausage-La.

@io9commentary Sky Captain is, like, one-third of a good movie. The production design is stunning. the script and the acting, not so much.

@fallapart Why does everyone who says "I won't ask again" immediately ask again in movies?

@io9commentary is it wrong that I really wanted Polly to explode right there? She is maybe the most useless character I've ever seen.

@io9commentary oh, hey, so Sky Captain's plane does have a fuel gauge. did he really expect to get to Nepal and back on just one tank?

@io9commentary hmmm. I wonder if I prefer an Angelina Jolie Nick Fury over a Sam Jackson Nick Fury.

@fallapart Seems like a platform hovering on four gigantic propellers would be easier to disable.

@andertoons Her lips actually keep the whole thing afloat.

@io9commentary WHY ISN'T AN UNDERWATER-FIGHTER PLANE VS. ANGRY ROBOTS CHASE SEQUENCE MORE INTERESTING?!

@io9commentary I've never seen a mashup of so many things I like (robots, dinosaurs, eyepatches, helicarriers, Jolie) turn out so badly.

@andertoons Action! Danger! Spelunking!

@io9commentary it's a good thing that Sky Captain shut the door on the robot stampede. because the one thing that stops robots is doors.

@io9commentary okay, I've gotta say: using footage of the late Laurence Olivier as Totemkopf is brilliant.

@fallapart Oh, hurray... the movie now has no bad guy... although it was kind of a cool reveal.

@io9commentary i told you: robot ninjas!

@io9commentary "would it be weird if I stopped to have sex with that cow? it's been ages..."

@io9commentary "Well, Polly. It seems this buoy isn't the only thing here that's inflatable." "Oh, James....I mean, Joe..."

@io9commentary ooof. I remember that film being not good. but I didn't remember how much potential it squandered.

We're back, taking it to the tweets and tearing an unsuspecting Netflix-able movie a new one. And, once again, you guys decide which film gets to feel our collective wrath.

Just like we did two weeks ago (when The Matrix: Reloaded got the nod) I've picked five likely subjects — all of which are available on Netflix Watch Instantly — and whichever gets the most votes will receive the honor of our merciless, merciless love.

So, vote below, and be sure to follow @io9commentary and the #io9moviemonday hashtag. We'll all see you tonight at 9:30pm EST!

Oh, we had us a fine time tweet-lambasting our way through the Wachwoskis' hotly anticipated-thoroughly underwhelming second chapter in the Matrix trilogy. In case you missed it, here's the cream of the crop.

@io9commentary aside from Star Wars Episode 1, I can't remember a movie more hotly anticipated — and a bigger letdown — than Matrix Dos.

@io9commentary nor can I recall an actress who went so quickly from hot to harsh as Carrie Anne Moss.

@io9commentary this entire movie is like a whispered bad dream. SPEAK UP, PEOPLE! Oh, and who let Roy Jones Jr pilot a hoverthingie?

@fallapart Wow, and has any couple had less onscreen chemistry other than Neo & Trinity other than Amidala and Anakain?

@io9commentary i will, however, always give credit to the Wachowskis for imagining a future filled with dark-skinned people. With bad skin.

@io9commentary there's something so antiseptic to these fight scenes. no one feels any pain, so it's just actors going through the motions.

@io9commentary His Imperial Fatness, reporting for duty.

@io9commentary So this is a civilization that can build hoverthingies, mechas and giant gorram cities, and no one can make decent clothes?

@io9commentary I mean, seriously: in the history of people making things, fine threads came before UNDERGROUND CITIES. WITH PLUMBING.

@cecilseaskull I love Gina Torres.

@wittyallusion This movie needs more Gina Torres with a shotgun. And more Serenity. And less Matrix.

@io9commentary "Listen, Mr. Zion Architect. I need 87 levels of livable quarters, a giant dock, and a big-ass room for fucking. KTHNXBYE."

@cecilseaskull This part has always confused me. Why a rave?

@lindsayekonkle Plot is not important when people are DANCING

@io9commentary why don't the Machines attack, you know, when all of Zion is fucking each other? Basic strategy, really.

@io9commentary as dumb as this might be in a movie, Young Marc would've killed a dude for an invite to the Soul Train Fuck Party.

@io9commentary I'm going to sleep now. Wake me up when the sad one starts hitting people again. And when they talk louder.

@io9commentary WAAALLLLLLLTTTTTTT!

@io9commentary more TALKING. At least they've gone outside into the Exposition Playground in the Projects

@io9commentary someone remind me why Neo doesn't just fly away? He already got the info from the Oracle. Now he's just fighting to fight.

@JaySlacks I sort of know we are supposed to make fun of this flick, but I'm actually having fun.

@cecilseaskull this is kind of a cool fight.

@io9commentary it is a cool fight, until Neo becomes a CG rendering of Keanu. Then it loses all coolness.

@io9commentary again, there was no dramatic/story reason for the Burly Brawl. it's just there to dupe us into forgetting nothing's happening.

@KickBoy the single greatest threat we face.... machines are coming.... Many bothans died to bring us this information

@io9commentary okay, I'm going downstairs for more beer. go on without me.

@io9commentary oh, look. I came back just in time for Monica Boobucci, code-crotch shots, and MORE TALKING, but with an French accent.

@cecilseaskull actually, that french cursing is pretty funny (and terribly dirty)

@cecilseaskull oh it is too unlady like! (but it was like do you in your butt you whore of poop and dogs mother etc.)

@io9commentary I've been paying relatively close attention, but do we know why Neo needs the Keymaker, other than that he was told he did?

@io9commentary So, werewolves are from the Matrix? Quick, call someone who gives a shit!

@misanthrope80 And here, on your right is the Exposition Dungeon

@io9commentary this, right here, begins the best 30 mins — the only 30 mins you need of this movie. Action scenes with purpose, drive.

@io9commentary hands down, the best kung fu of the movie. No CG, just intricate choreography.

@io9commentary They built their own freeway. Something like three miles of it. At least it's a good chase. Not Ronin-good. But good.

@wittyallusion Fun fact: This highway is now used to test myths on #Mythbusters!

@io9commentary Worst use of slow motion ever. You can't hide shitty CG when we can see precisely how shitty it is.

@io9commentary His Imperial Fatness is taking a stand.

@fallapart There's still 40 minutes left? Of what?

@io9commentary It's Morpheus' turn in the Exposition Chair. And the Keymaker left it all...warm.

@io9commentary WAAALLLLLLTTTTT!

@io9commentary What a boring gorram office the Architect has. Unless he likes to watch a lot of porn, and i mean A LOT

@fallapart Colonel Sanders is the Architect.

@io9commentary In all seriousness, this is a pretty great reveal: that the Matrix happens over and over again. Because it must.

@io9commentary that the only way to enslave mankind is to give them the chance to choose to rebel. Neo is the apotheosis of that choice.

@io9commentary this is the only talkathon worth listening to. It fundamentally shifts what we know about the World, and the people in it.

@io9commentary And how can this be? For he IS the kwisatz haderach! Also, because a crappy neo ex machina ending is what they wanted.

@misanthrope80 It's the Ersatz Haderach

@io9commentary so now, for no reason we can fathom, Neo can affect shit in the real world. gang, the story only goes downhill from here

@fallapart I love that there's literally a "Dum Dum Dah" moment at the end. #io9moviemonday

@io9commentary the last saving grace: we don't have to wait until after the credits to get a peep of Matrix Revolutions. We know it sucks.

While trying to determine the cause of Egyptian pharaoh Tutankhamun's death, one researcher found that not all of the boy king's parts were present and accounted for.

There are many theories as to what killed Tutankhamun: malaria, inherited bone disorder, sickle-cell anemia. Another suggests that he suffered from a genetic hormonal disorder that causes elongated skulls, an over-production of estrogen and, in males, can also cause breasts and under-developed genitalia.

Egypt's chief archaeologist Zahi Hawass dismisses this theory — stating that Tutankhamun's penis is "well developed." But when following up on this, journalist Jo Merchant found a note from Hawass explaining that "the penis in question is no longer attached to the king's body."

I called John Taylor, who looks after the mummies collection at the British Museum in London. When Tut's mummy was first unwrapped in 1922, he reassures me, "the penis was there and was attached." The breakage must therefore have occurred in modern times, perhaps during a particularly brutal autopsy. (The wayward penis was reported missing in 1968, before it was discovered again during a CT scan in 2006, lying in the loose sand around the mummy's body.) The chest cavity was also damaged in modern times, probably by Cooper's team in 1922.

It remains to be seen what exactly happened to the phallus in question — or, still, what actually killed Egypt's most famous ruler — but you'd have to think Tut wang would fetch a handsome price from the right collector.

(Via New Scientist)

Of course you are — and that's why this faux ad for a Make Your Dog Immortal kit hits our sweet spot. Our blasphemous, profane, incredibly wrong sweet spot. [Twitter]

The Queen Geek that killed it in Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, fought the future in Dollhouse's "Epitaph One," and routinely loots our heart in The Guild turns 31 today. So hoist a cold one in her honor!

(Via Wired)

Yes, it's been a while — due to an unlikely combination of carpal tunnel and chupacabra — but we're back, picking a Netflix Instant film and eviscerating on Twitter. And, as usual, you pick the movie.

Just like we did a few weeks ago (when Street Fighter got the nod) I've picked five likely subjects — all of which are available on Netflix Watch Instantly — and whichever gets the most votes will receive the honor of our love next Monday.

So, vote below, and be sure to follow @io9commentary and the #io9moviemonday hashtag. We'll all see you tonight at 9:30pm EST!

Performing at the Glastonbury Music Festival, Orbital got the 11th Doctor, Matt Smith, to join them on stage and play the synthesizer. And perform the Doctor Who theme. What results is a drum machine-light show-totally-wicked freak out.

[Burning Cool]